My Heartbreak, My Hope

This has been a tough couple of weeks, death, disease, and despair have surrounded my life, my friends, and my family. Tears are welling up in my eyes just thinking about the pain I have seen and experienced. However, in the midst of that deepest sorrow, there is hope. No matter what death tries to invade my space, no matter how disease ridiculously thinks it can invade and hurt the ones I love dearly, no matter how powerless we might feel, it cannot overcome the HOPE that dwells inside.

Last week illness took two lives from two parts of my family. I struggle to find the words of comfort for these dear friends and family. Death had not only taken lives, but also it had taken my voice, it had me second guessing my ability to be compassionate and offering a word of sorrow and condolence. While I certainly wish I could jump back in time and be that word necessary at that time, I know that I am not powerless to offer words now, and I will not be silent, I will “not throw away my shot!” Loss hurts, just as it should. It can paralyze us, not knowing where to go next. What do we do with those emotions and feelings? I don’t have the ultimate answer, maybe because we all have to deal with them differently, our relationships are complex, but I know that we cannot bury them inside. Speak them aloud to a crowd, or maybe just confide in someone close, or even the act of writing them out, as I think I am trying to do that here, but do something with them. I am inspired by so many that have turned their losses into something more, something that has turned around and benefited those struggling to find hope of any kind in the midst of their grief. However, they are able to tap into that central truth that no matter how dark life gets, it does not extinguish hope. The words of the apostle Paul in Romans 5 lead us toward that hope, the eager anticipation, that salvation and freedom are present and coming. God pours into us, and God loves us, and God’s love for us is not only for us when we have the answers, but the character of the Almighty is that God’s love for us is ESPECIALLY there for us when we are blinded and feel darkness creeping in.

However, we have those still with us, that also have to deal with the effects of disease, like my good friend, that is more of a sister to me, that recently told us that she was diagnosed with breast cancer. My response to that was tears, anger, sadness, and “NO!” No cancer, you don’t get this one, no I will not sit idly by, no I will not let defeatism win this day, no I will not sit idly by. I will fight. I will run. I will write. I will love with my whole heart. I will be present. I will be active. I will stand. I will be whatever I need to be, but I WILL BE! I love this sister dearly, and I put this on the public record that I will do whatever I can to tell cancer, to tell darkness, to tell death, that it has no place here and it will be defeated. You messed with the wrong woman! You messed with the wrong family! Cancer, your days are numbered. Why? We have hope. We are hope. We serve a God that is the embodiment of HOPE!

In stillness, in quiet, in solitude, my mind swirls about what I could have done, and then I wake up and realize that I am here right now, I am capable of doing something, and by the GRACE OF GOD, I will fight my hardest to show HOPE is MUCH MUCH greater than darkness and disease.

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